I’ve become increasingly bad at ‘people’, and I am starting to come to terms that I don’t think I’ve ever really understood how to ‘people’. As much as social graces and interpersonal relationships are a learned skill, I realize now that the amount of effort to understand and act within those parameters can vary wildly. For me, it is a constant calculation running in the background of my mind. Every time that I forget that internalized editorial process, the results are… Unfortunate.

I find myself struggling to justify my introverted nature in the face of my theatre and performance background, but when I examine things through this lens, it begins to make sense. At least, to me. A performance has constraints, structure, expectations and can exist outside of social pressures. Give me a script, I no longer worry about what I am going to say. Give me a character, now I have another personality to assume that takes me further away from myself. It almost sounds like an excuse. It wasn’t me, it was my character. I’m sure there’s legal precedent defending heinous crimes using the same logic. A Twinkie Defence for Introverts.

Sorry, I was trying to be pithy but I think that was a bit of a reach. Might be a good name for a band, though.

I hate how this particular barrier where I’m trying to be understood and not being able to understand or get clarification hamstrings my attempts to contribute to public discourse. I need structure, I need a shared basis of knowledge, I need people to stop and explain concepts to me or confirm my understanding of them. I need things to slow down and make space for me. Every time I attempt to make space for myself, I get too incensed, too frustrated, too loud, and I leave feeling like an idiot or an asshole.

Never mind the added dimension of trying to apologize for myself, that very female learned behaviour. I default to self-admonishment to defuse and excuse myself. I overextend, self-flagellate (internally), and retreat.

I’m just coming at this from the wrong perspective, my bad

This must be something I don’t have enough experience in, I’ll try to educate myself on the subject

I’m sorry for derailing everything with my questions

This is probably common knowledge for everyone else

I resolve to stop talking, to be content in the background, to literally bite my tongue, but it never lasts. For all my attempts to just shut the fuck up, I never do. I want so badly to let people know that I too, understand the thing. I too, have thoughts about the thing. I probably have a litany of useless facts about the thing, but that is one of the things I remind myself is not strictly helpful, necessary or wanted.

I want to demonstrate value. I want to belong. I want to justify my inclusion.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln

I am Boo Boo the Fool. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and… Be confused, probably.